Up North: The Rest of the 2022 Summer Vacation, Part One

I was born and lived most of my life in Northern California. I had a wonderful childhood, roaming the neighborhood around my house. Discovering fairy rings and secret hiding places. I made my own world of imagination and magic. I had wonderful, loving friends and so many surrogate parents who cared for me like their own. My own parents were the best I could possibly have. I never wanted for anything and knew that I was safe and adored at all moments. I could not have asked for more.

Despite all of that joy and comfort, after I left for college, I pledged to myself that I would never return to live there. I wanted to experience the wide world. I planned to live in New York City and be an actor on Broadway. But the best laid plans of mice and men…right? I traveled to London directly after graduation to live and work in the theatre there.  But my experience across the pond was cut short by the poor health of my dad. I came back and my big plans were cut short. Before long, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and I stayed to care for her. And then my dad was a widower and I stayed for him. And then my dad fell ill and I stayed to care for him. And then he died, and I stayed to administrate his trust and everything that comes with that process. My fond feelings of childhood magic and love we replaced with anxiety, grief, and feeling trapped in place. Of course, there were wonderful things, meeting Travis, creating our family, buying our two beautiful houses, and getting to play so many wonderful roles in so many shows. But still, my PTSD over the trauma of my losses colored it all. So, when the choice to make a new life in a new place had afforded us, the choice felt right.

Because we moved here at the onset of the pandemic, our transition here was not one of great ceremony or even one that most people in California knew about. We slipped back in the midst of our process to pack and clear out our life but saw very few people so, basically had not been back since March of 2020. In planning this summer’s vacation, I knew that it was time to come back to our old home. Our trip was to start in Disneyland as I mused over in my last post and then we rented a car and drove ourselves up to Gamma’s house, the familiar home base we would have for the next tenish days. Our schedule for this leg of the trip was packed to the gills.  We had two weddings to attend, multiple of my surrogate parents to visit, the beach to introduce the littles to, and time to be spent with my best friends and their sweet kiddos. Also, Trav intended to work a portion of the time we were to be there. This wasn’t going to be a relaxing vacation but, really, with small children is any?

Now, like I said, once our Disneyland leg of the trip was completed, we drove up North. What I didn’t tell you was, we completed that portion of the trip at about 9pm and loaded up everything and everyone directly after. We were on the road by 10:30ish and my darling Trav drove through most of the night as the rest of us slept. We arrived at our destination at roughly 6am and dropped like flies. Jasper and Trav went upstairs to snuggle, and the girls literally fell asleep on me. The only one who remained, to no one’s surprise, was Atty with the full run of the house. But the rest was short lived as we had a wedding to attend that evening and I had a hair appointment with my exceptional hairdresser, Karen!

For all of my maidenhood, before my sweet children were born, I had the most beautiful hair. It was long, it shone in its silkiness, and was the truest and brightest blonde. It was truly the thing I identified with most physically. I loved it and it was part of the way I greeted the world.  I was a blonde through and through and then I had children.  For a long time, as I got older, I expected my hair to darken, as it does with most blondes, but it never did.  But after Atty was born, the mane of hair that I had darkened to something I did not recognize.  Sure, it was still blonde, but it was not the bright shiny color that I had always had.  It was more of a dark, almost mousy mess.  And it broke my heart.  I sat in the bathroom crying over the small mountain of hair that fell out of my head and the frizz that still remained.  I know it was vain to be so broken over hair, but it was my identity.  Then, all of a sudden, one day, I decided that instead of mourning what was, I was going to move onto something that would make me smile again.  Enter red!  And boy was being a redhead fun.  I got to live my five-year-old dream of being Ariel.  It was a blast!  But right after Jasper was born, I thought I might try being a blonde again.  So, for two years I waited for my natural color to return.  It did and to my disappointment, it was the same mousy blonde as before.  There was no miraculous return of being bright and shiny. I knew what to do and this trip was when I was going to do it.  And I am so glad I did!

The next stop in our whirlwind first day back was the most wonderful wedding.  I met Maddie when we worked together for years as servers.  She was like my little sister, being auntie too Atty and folded right into our family for all things.  We experienced so much life together, my mom’s death, her putting herself though college and then teaching at my high school, relationships, and big events in our lives.  She was the one who told Trav to stop stressing about it and ask me to marry him.  And he did.  And she was in our wedding.  Unfortunately, my scope for being a person to adequately support others when they deeply needed me was not at its best for a long time and because of that, we lost touch and the closeness that we used to have.  I will always regret my diminished capacity in this way an do my best to be better.  This is why, when we were invited to her wedding we were over the moon.  Not only because all I wanted in the world was for Maddie to find her true happiness and security but also because it happened that she was marrying Trav’s very first best friend!  It was such a wonderful surprise and such a joyous thing!  We could not be happier about the pending nuptials.

Those nuptials did not disappoint.  Maddie did not have any easy home or family life.  Her mother was disabled and father not terribly present so, she was left to fend from an early time.  She was always independent and so, so capable but I always hoped for her, her own family.  One where she didn’t have to take care of herself or anyone else through obligation.  I wanted her to have someone who loved her and cared for her in the way she deserved.  That she was safe and that she was happy.  As Trav and I listened to the vows that the bride and groom shared with each other, I knew that this was what I had hoped for so long.  I saw the love in their eyes, looking at each other and could feel the safety they found.  They were calm, and committed, and there wasn’t an ounce of fear.  This was home for both of them.  As someone who was family for Maddie for a while, I was beyond happy that she had found her perfect family.  Every moment was exactly right and chosen exactly right.  I am so grateful to have been there.  It was a beautiful way to start our time with our people that we had left behind.  And that was only the beginning of the flurry of the second part of our trip.

Stay tuned for Part Two…