Setting Boundaries and Hoping to Stick to Them
I have never been good at boundaries. I have always been a people pleaser to a fault, thank you Libra moon. (Pulling out my astrology knowledge here…sorry to those of you who don’t believe it, but it rings so very true to me I couldn’t explain this issue without it. Perhaps I’ll do a post someday that delves more deeply into all of it. It really is fascinating and so much more complex than anyone expects or realizes.). On top of my intense people pleasing tendencies, I am also a true empath and feel everything around me. For those who were wondering, that’s my Pisces sun and lack of any truly intense earth. I can literally walk into a room and feel the emotions of each person. That sounds great and all but because I have such a difficult time with boundaries, I can’t actually tell if those intense emotions are mine or just ones I’m osmosing through others. It is a truly strange experience to suddenly be overwhelmed with an alien emotion not knowing where it came from. Before I began to understand the complexity of my struggle with boundaries, I spent much of my time confused and anxious about it. But now, I am learning to check in when such a situation occurs. And question what I am REALLY feeling. AND understand that those other rogue emotions are not my responsibility to fix. It’s a process but I am working on it.
That is just one realm in which my boundaries are constantly pushed. The other most difficult and most common, is in theatre. Let me give you a small run down of the life of an actor. At whatever point you get bit by the bug, for me it was 7ish, it becomes a constant battle. It is one of the most subjective professions to go into and one entirely based upon you and your skill being judged by others. This is no easy thing to take on. You spend your life training, in all manner of ways, honing your craft to a point that you think might bring you success. And then you go out into the theatre world. You audition for everything, and you book one or two roles. You bring what you think is your very best and constantly are shot down. It’s all about you and your talent. Or, at least, that is what it feels like. Of course, there are so many other things in play, things that you as the actor have no control over but, every time you are rejected it is nearly impossible to escape the voice saying that you are not good enough. That you suck. And then even if you do get cast, there is the judgment from your director and fellow castmates along the way. If you are lucky these people become your support system and guide you through the process only making you better than you were before, rooting for you all the way. But sometimes this isn’t the case. And you spend your rehearsals trying to reach something that is unachievable. AND THEN you get to the performances and there is yet another level of judgement. You are faced with the critics who are rife with opinions and the audience who you hope are entranced in your created world. Every step of the way, as a performer, you are faced with the judgments and opinions of all around. And somehow you are supposed to be unfazed. Well, I have to report, that is virtually impossible. Sometimes I think that the real reason I have decided to become an actor is simply to constantly be confronted with the need for intense boundaries and to constantly be practicing and building my own.
As you might assume, the life of an actor can be quite the difficult one. It is full of so, many deep valleys and some truly high highs. Flipping back and forth between them is very jarring and you realize that you will do almost anything to stay up on those high peaks. Now this is definitely a dangerous position to be in. Adding to that danger is, actors, generally speaking, have very little power in the hierarchy that is the performance world. I’m sure it is no surprise that there is a surplus of actors out there. Moving to California or New Your City to become and actor might be one of the most famous dreams out there. There is always a fresh face stepping off the bus ready to make it big. This is wonderful but this means that there is always someone else that they can turn to if someone else doesn’t work out. Some directors and producers, the people that are making the decision and that hold the power in the process. This has shown up in the most extreme situations with the “Me too” movement and all the inappropriate things that described regarding the “casting couch”. Generally speaking, female actors have been taken advantage of very seriously in being promised roles and opportunities in exchange for sexual activities. While that has never been the case for me, thank goodness, I am have been fully aware that my power as an actor is seriously less than those of the people casting the shows. The only time this shift is when you name as an actor is made and you become in high demand across the theatre community. This, of course, is the status that one always wants to reach. Very few do but everyone spends their days hoping for it.
When an actor reaches this status, they have their pick of what projects they sign onto and can turn down the others that they are not interested in. Until then, when one is offered a role or position in a production, unless it is a true dream role, the decision to take it can often be a very difficult one. In a perfect world, turning down an offer w would not be taken personally, not count against you in your future with that company or people. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. I worked for a theatre company that I loved. The Artistic Director and I were really and truly the greatest of friends. For a very long time, our relationship was wonderful, they cast me in so many of my favorite roles, trusting me to bring everything I was capable of to the stage in each. And I truly did. We knew each other well and could anticipate most everything the other needed to make a production come to life. However, in out theatre community, the casting pool was not a simple one to draw from for many reasons, and because of this, this person hoarded their actors. They seemed to decide that certain people “belonged” to them and their theatre and took offense if one was to break out of that and choose to do another show elsewhere. And heaven forbid you chose to do another show over a show done at their theatre. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way and when I didn’t do the production that this person assumed I would, I was punished severely. I was removed from a role I had already been cast in that I had dearly wanted to and this person, for all intents and purposes, ended our friendship. Of course, there was attempted resolution, but it never really was the same. This may not be the norm, but it is just one of the things that flit through my mind when I consider setting a boundary in my career.
As a younger actor and mother of only one child, I was of the mindset of taking everything that was offered to me. After all, I was rejected what seemed like ten times more than I was cast. It seemed ridiculous to reject the opportunity to be onstage. And what would happen if I said no? Would they hate me? Would they never offer me another role again? People, especially theatre people, always want to work with those that they know. They want to be certain that they have the talent to make a brilliant show. Will they not cast me if they don’t know me? Do I have to be put through my paces before I can snag a great role? There are so many possibilities. So, instead of risking all of these questions, I took everything handed to me without impunity. And I exhausted myself. And suffered through shows that I hated just to make sure that I made people happy. I watched roles that I dreamed of slip through my fingers simply to keep the peace. In doing this, I made myself miserable. Now, after the pandemic almost killed theatre, I am returning with a new mindset. I am in a new community and I able to craft the path that I truly want. I was recently offered a position in a production in the fall. Unfortunately, it conflicts with not one but two others that I am very interested in. Instinctively, and as s reflection of my former self, I accepted. But the following day, I realized that even though it was a great opportunity, it was not where my heart lay, and I needed to listen to that. I sent a subsequent email rescinding my yes. As I did this, a thrill of panic swept across my person, I so hope to work with this particular company someday. But I know that I need to support my boundaries. Make my choices that support me and my family. I am trusting that this will not ruin my chances and trust that if it does, it not a place I want to be.